Fine Tuning

my little girl. Sometimes, I think she's more self-actualized than I am. I learn so much from her, every day.

I am not healthy yet, but I believe I am now seriously pointed in the right direction. I probably should have waited to write this until after my evening run, because there's something about a good sweat that puts a gentler, more clarified spin on just about anything. But, knowing that even a month ago I would have been reluctant to have written about anything too personal (certainly not my health), I know big changes are here and near.

Today I am feeling emotionally drained..like I don't have my usual coat of armour on. Yes, it's just one of those days, but it's also so much more than that. It's also day 9 of no soda (gasp), no candy or sugar (gasp,gasp), very little wheat, zero processed foods, no cheese, and no milk. My family is still eating some of these things, but that's something for another blog post. So, in this premature stage of getting my health on track, I am sticking with things that sound good: chicken, spinach, salmon, apples, brown rice, eggs, broccoli, pinto beans, corn tortillas and salsa. Oh, and lots and lots of mineral water..my favorite. I'm not totally set in stone (in fact, I plan to splurge a little on Sat. when friends come) but I think we are on to something.

So, things are good on one hand, and shaky on the other. The good is that my skin's a little softer, I am feeling a little lighter, I am losing the urge to cram my face with whatever is in my path, and it feels like I am coming out of a fog. The shakiness is the part where I am just plain feeling more in general. I am stunned by the inter connectedness between better health and honesty. (Who would have thought?). This is turning out to be so much more than losing weight. For me, my dissatisfaction with my body is directly correlated with my dishonesty towards myself. Who stuffs their face and says.."YUM, this is so great. Overgorging and eating unwisely makes me feel like such a wonderful person. Hooray!" ?? As the pattern continues, you begin rationalizing and lying to yourself. No one wants to feel like a total loser. You know, I think it becomes much easier to walk around in a fog and hide under belly rolls and to smile even when you aren't feeling happy. The hard part is changing that. This is hard.

And so, my question to myself has now become..what else have you been dishonest about? How authentic have you been with people?

There's so much more I want to say about this, but I think I'll stop here for now, before I get myself into trouble..hee hee.

There's big changes going on here people. Two things of which I want to work on -- health and honesty. I'm walking a tightrope..very gingerly, but ultimately firm in my resolve: I will not continue to sell myself short to appease others and I will not share cholesterol medication with my 82 year old grandma. Seriously, that is just not cool. And, by the time a new blood panel comes around, there will be a significant reduction in my cholesterol. Among other things. Come Hell or Highwater.